Up the Creek?

Have you heard that the economy is shot to heck? Up the creek? Over a barrel? Between a rock and a hard place? In a pickle? On the fritz? And other assorted prepositional phrases?

Yeah. I think I heard that somewhere too.

Fortunately, even though the economy is, well…you know…here’s some good news. You can still take a lovely Caribbean vacation! Yes! In fact, in my current issue of Coastal Living (AKA “that glossy publication that repeatedly causes me to break commandment #10 into teeny, weeny pieces”), there is an entire article devoted to helping good, hardworking folks like you and me save a buck or two on just such an endeavor. And since I am all things magnanimous, I will henceforth share this information with all of you. First on the docket is the fabulous island of St. Lucia. Can you believe such places exist on this earth? Are those angelic voices that I hear, or have I just suffered a minor brain embolism in the face of so much lush tropicality?

Lucky, lucky us! Coastal Living informs me that we can go and stay at the Jade Mountain resort in St. Lucia anytime this year and receive our fourth night FREE!!!! FREE!!! Absolutely FREEEEE!!!!!

Pack your bags! Buy your flip flops! Slather on the sunscreen! Wax your…

Hang on.

Forgot to mention something.

The first three nights? $850.

Per night.

Okay, okay, okay! Don’t despair! I’m sure that was just a little joke to whet our appetites. Let’s move on and see what else they can offer us middle class slobs who stand in Walmart and compare cost-per-oz before choosing a can of garbanzo beans.

Deep, cleansing breath.

Ready!

Oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… be still my heart.

The Turks and Caicos Islands are surely the jeweled landing on the staircase to heaven, if not the lobby of heaven itself. Drink it in, my friends. Drink it in.

And guess what??? After June 1st, rates drop several hundred dollars per night! And if you book four nights in a row, you get FREE MEALS!!!!! Where’s my snorkel? Is my passport still valid? Does my camera have batteries? Has anybody seen…?

Ahem.

I seem to have overlooked the fine print.

Staying in one of those cute little pavilions? $1200. Per night.

But yoga classes are free with that! And afternoon tea!

If your windows shatter suddenly, do not be alarmed. It is simply the frequency of my shrieks at this moment.

Okay, Coastal Living. I’m giving you one more chance. Show me something that the teeming masses can enjoy, or I’ll cancel my subscription.

How about Virgin Gorda? It’s a sweet little British spot of fragrant frangipani, sea grape trees, and white sand beaches rimmed by that undefinable blue-green Caribbean sea.

I’m finding it difficult to type, my keyboard being so slick with drool.

The good news? Seven-night stay packages are several THOUSAND dollars cheaper right now.

So now, nights at the resorts run a paltry $700, champagne included.

What are you waiting for? It’s practically free!

Forget drooling. I’m starting to spit.

On the bright side, I think I’ve figured out what sort of relaxing, sun-drenched vacation I can afford this summer.

And it looks something like this.