Only Girl Left Standing

Big E decided that despite the fact that the girls are supposed to switch to softball this year and be on single-gender teams, she was having NONE OF IT. My girl made me proud by declaring (with NO prompting from her feminist mom) that she positively would NOT switch to an all girl team. She stated that she has always played baseball and often been the only girl and she would keep with baseball this year -- despite the fact that we needed to sign her up in a special way as the ONLY GIRL in a boys-only league. Bestill my heart, I love that head-strong, spunky girl! GO BIG E!

They like her strong arm, so it looks like she will occupy 3rd base from now on.  She's bummed that she isn't pitcher. 
(Better pictures to follow as the season progresses and the weather gets better -- along with my photography skills.)

Whoreticulture!

OMG!  As I was blog stalking, I discovered the most FANTASTIC blog post.  You absolutely have to check our Julie at A Day in the Wife.  Get ready to laugh your butt off. 

Warning!  Do not read near the wee ones.  This is an adults-only post!!!!!

Whoreticulture: The industry and science of whores and whore-related topics. Whoreticulturists work and conduct research in the disciplines of OB-GYNery, Brazilian waxers and shavers, adultery, personal hygiene mavens and easy women. The word is composite, from two words, whore, from Greek meaning "harlot" or "dear", and the word "culture". Like NPR's Science Friday, Whoreticulture Friday exists to educate and spark discussion on the science of Whorology. Whoreticulture Friday is not for children. Or squeamish people. Or Mother-In-Laws. Or people I work with. Or neighbors who are raising feral cats. Or the ghost of Liberace.


Today's topic: My New Pink Button

Sometimes, gentle reader, a vajacial is just not enough.  

Perhaps after your vagina has been ripped, tweezed, buffed, exfoliated, powdered, masqued, and had "Goodnight Moon" read to it, you are tucking it in for the night and you think, "Honey, you look a little pale.  Are you okay?"  And perhaps you are one of those people who might stare at their own vagina for a VERY VERY long time, like other people might watch a sleeping baby, or a movie, or three-day biopic.  And then perhaps, just perhaps, you are of the opinion that young vaginas are very pink vaginas, and maybe yours is on the pale side, and you develop a DYE SO YOU CAN ARTIFICIALLY COLOR YOUR LABIA.  Because NO ONE wants an old, pale pussy.  No one.

Get your things in order.  The Mayans were right. 

Yes, ladies, your prayers have been answered.  For only $29.95, you can dye your labia back to it's original jailbait shade of fuschia.

NEXT FRIDAY NIGHT
ME:  "Hey Gail, what are you doing tonight?"
GAIL:  "Not much - the kids are out with their dad."
ME:  "Mine are at the basketball game.  Hey!  I have a great idea!"
GAIL:  "What?!"
ME:  "Why don't you come over and we can dye our vaginas!"
GAIL:  "Awesome!  I'll bring the champagne and the rhinestones, let's tat those bitches up!"
ME:  "Don't forget the outline for the PTA fundraiser."
GAIL:  "Got it right here."

Apparently, the owner/founder/colorist for My New Pink Button was concerned that her kitten had started looking like an old bleached out feral alley cat.  Naturally, she went online to research her desired coochie color, and found THOUSANDS of people online who had the exact. same. problem.  Which makes me weep a little for the world.

She developed her product.  I will assume that some of the blends maybe didn't work out.  Whose labia burned with those mistakes?  How many vaginas suffered so you could have a perfectly pink pita pocket?  Just like when you were head cheerleader?

Let me take a moment to say that the founder of My New Pink Button is gorgeous, and probably smart, and found a product that apparently people want.  Her packaging is great (ba-dum-dum!), and I love the names of the different colors of product.  They also apparently help with cosmetics for post-op breast cancer patients, and perhaps this product makes people feel good, and improves their self-esteem, and for that I say bravo.  The company seems legit, but a little tongue in cheek (eeew, I know, right?), and I can appreciate some humor.  

But I have trouble getting past the words "labia dye". 

I have a question for the Pink Button people - why stop at pink?  What if I want to go a little farther on the color wheel?  Maybe I want a Purple People Eater.  Or Green Eggs and Ham.  Or maybe I want to be a slutty Smurfette.  Or perhaps I don't want to stop with my labia.  Maybe I want to be Rainbow Brite in my Hinterlands.  What if I want a turquoise uterus?  Then where do I turn, Pink Button people?  Where?  I see a huge gap in the market that needs to be filled. (These jokes just make themselves up.)

Move over Easy button.  There's a New Pink Button in town.

Because feminism was about choices.  Betty Friedan didn't make all those cake mixes so we could live with pale vaginas.  She wanted us to have choices.  She wanted our buttons to be able to be both Easy AND Pink.  Now we can finally have it all.  Yay, feminism!  Make mine the color of Watermelon Sherbet!  With sprinkles!

Happy Whoreticulture Friday!  May your buttons be easy and your labias be as pink as they wanna be!

Regis SUCKS

You know, I just cannot stand awful incidents of misogynist behavior.  It makes my stomach lurch and feel as if I will hurl at any moment.  I came across this posting at The Daily Femme.  UGH!  Read on...


Regis Philbin smacks Nicki Minaj’s behind and tells her he ‘wishes’ he could ‘get hard’ and a majority of viewers find it ‘funny’

So I’ve never been a big “Regis and Kathy Lee” fan…which is probably obvious since I am still calling it “Regis and Kathy Lee” even though Kelly Ripa became the new co-host years ago, but this Monday, I felt really good knowing that I’ve never wasted my time watching this particular talk show when Regis Philbin grabbed Nicky Minaj’s behind after her performance on their show (see video below). This was right after he mentioned how much he loved the way she dresses while checking out her hemline and then saying, “it looks like you have a little strap around you there, you know what I mean?”

To add insult to injury, after Nicki Minaj said that she received the advice “Go hard” in the music industry, Regis responded with: “Go hard? Wish I could!” How clever.

Oh Regis, perhaps it’s time to call it quits eh? And since it seems that you’ve never left the 1950s, here is a tip: grabbing women’s bodies in front of millions of viewers and spouting out come on jokes is not only sleazy, it also won’t win you more audience among daytime TV watchers. Or will it? Apparently according to a poll on The Huffington Post, over 55% percent of those watching the show said that not only did they feel Regis was not behaving inappropriately, they also thought that “it’s no big deal, he was just being funny.”

And there we have it people. We might not be in the days of Mad Men but we still live in a world where an old nasty man smacking a young women in public is ‘funny.’ I don’t know which is worse, the action itself or the fact that people still see it as “no big deal,” although reading some of the comments which echo the old “she was asking for it” schpeel  was rather hard to take. When people say that because Nicky Minaj dresses in a provocative manner or ‘acts whorish’ she therefore deserves to be groped is not only slut shaming 101, it also condones such offensive behavior on a larger scale. So ladies, next time you decide to wear that short skirt or dance in a wee too sexy way in a club, expect your ass to be up for grabs by any man young or old because hey, it’s cool on TV so why not! This type of behavior happens too often on television for example when Isaac Mizrahi grabbed Scarlett Johansson’s breast at the Golden Globes or Richard Gere grabbed and kissed Indian actress Shilpa Shetty during an AIDS awareness program. Both of these events lead to outrage, protest and apologies; I can only hope that Regis keeps being called on his outrageous behavior until he too apologizes and learns to spell the word RESPECT.

Evolution

I don’t know how many of you ever read the 1955 Good Housekeeping’s Article on ‘The Good Wife’ rules?  I read it when I was younger. I remember making fun of it with friends in high school.  The other day I re-stumbled across it. "‘The Good Wife" article cracks me up!  Crazy how much we, as women, have evolved… or should I say, told "The Man of the House" ‘to sit down and shut up’. So I’ve decided to post the original ‘Good Wife Rules’ and then write my own!

1955 The Good Wife Suggestions – via article in Good Housekeeping (this would’ve had me canceling my subscription faster than i could dial the phone)

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
• Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

• Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
• Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will give you immense personal satisfaction.
• Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
• Be happy to see him.
• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
• Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other place of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
• Your goal: try to make your home a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
• Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
• Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Consider this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
• Arrange his pillows and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
• Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. you have no right to question him.
• A good wife always knows her place.

REALLY?  SERIOUSLY?  I've read this list before, but since I recently stumbled upon it again... and was flabbergasted all over again! All i can say is:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  AS IF!
So, if you will please allow me a moment to regain a minuscule amount of composure, I would like to attempt to make an updated version of this list -- a "2010 Good Wife Guide", if you will -- inspired by, but not copied from, 1955′s suggestions.

• Dinner? If Hubby is considerate enough to call you and tell you that he is on his way home, toss some chicken nuggets or fish sticks and tater tots on the Pizazz while mic-ing some frozen veggies. Or there is always the option of throwing frozen waffles in the toaster, cutting up a banana, and pouring some milk.  BAM! (as Emeril would say!) There you have three food groups in one. If he complains about it, there is always the real-love option of placing his plate full of food in the trash. 
• Prepare myself? Now this one really tickled me pink!  If I get a moments peace, he is lucky if I have showered.  Now, if I were to shave my legs... that would require him to worship me for quite a while.  He is counting his blessings when I have time to throw on deodorant, put my hair in a ponytail and wear clean clothes.  If he doesn't notice the shave legs -- well, HADES!  I'll have to resort to wearing granny panties, so he knows that until he helps around the house, there will be NO action. 
• "Be a little gay and interesting to liven up his day"?  Oh!  I plan to be interesting.  I plan to share all of the gorey details of my day.  I will entertain him with stories of having Little Man whack me upside the head with a ball that he intended to take off Princess' head with.  I'll explain that I am on laundry revolt until he fixes the damn machine.  I will regal him with tales of my heroism as I battled the blue hairs and other nut cakes at the grocery store with FOUR screaming kids in tow and still managed to only put one child in a head lock in a public place (KIDDING... kind of.)  I will tell him how many times I wiped so-and-so's butt and cleaned up cat puke.
• Dump all the garbage and dirty clothes HE left out the night before right into the chair he likes to sit in. "Why" you ask?! Well, because that’s what a good (i.e. bitchy) wife does. If he can’t pick it up as he should, he can deal with it when he’d like to sit down and relax. But make sure you do it with a smile!
• Scream at the kids to come get their crap and put it away for the UMPTEENTH time.  If the neighbors hear, oh well.
• Make sure the kids are at LEAST wearing clothes. As long as that’s done. Good enough!
• When he walks in, push all screaming children into his arms.  Instruct him that if anyone wants dinner before 8pm, he will handle them and happen to mention in passing that you loved some of his ‘things’ to his chair.
• Make sure you smile and wink while doing the above, because we all know a positive attitude cancels out the bitchiness… Right?!
• Listen to him talk about his ‘hard’ day at work. Then don’t respond AT ALL, just plow into the crappy day you’ve had at home. Go ahead and cry too. Let it all out. You deserve to be listened to too! Tell him what you blogged about. In minute detail. Explain what each child did that embarrassed the hades out of you. And them show him that rash you’ve been meaning to get looked at...
• If he comes home late, ask him for an explanation. Then explain WHY his stuff is out on the lawn and why you even considered changing the locks.  Remind him that for every one night out, you will be expecting a night out too.  Do not bother to ask when is okay. Just plan it. And remember, don’t get a babysitter… daddy knows how to watch his own children.

So...  That posting may have been a bit tongue-in-cheek, but you get the point.  Don't be a doormat to that man you may or may not live with.  You are a gorgeous, fabulous, brilliant, grand goddess who deserves to be treated as such.

ENJOY THE DAY!

Almost as good as a burger flipper

I don't remember the exact date of my “blogiversary”, but I do believe I have just passed two huge (for me!) milestones. Wait for it… wait for it…

I have now been blogging for over two years AND I have posted over 500 posts.

I suppose that isn’t a big deal to most folks, especially since there are many more accomplished and talented mommy bloggers on the humongously big world wide web, but for me… Wow! Go me!

When I started, I hadn’t written anything in years. I was so tired and busy with all those not-so-lucrative-but-soul-consuming parenting duties of newborn babies. I had read a lot of memoir-ish stuff by writers about my age, writers who, while humorous and amusing and talented and intelligent, were simply relating stories from their everyday journey – my everyday journey.

It was the sort of writing that some people, mainly really out-there feminists, always wring their hands over: “Oh no, young mommies are writing about themselves! How dare they!” As a former militant feminist, it took a lot of soul searching and attitude adjustment for me to admit that I actually wanted TO BE a mommy blogger. Despite my best intentions to not "ONLY" be a mom or housewife that is exactly what I was seeking. It took me years to come to grips with the fact that I no longer desired a high-powered, prestigious career.


I want, more than anything, to be the very best mommy possible and be with my children as much as possible.

For the wee ones are only young once, and for such a very brief time… There may be moments, or entire days, that seem to last an eternity – times when I don’t think I will survive this toddler phase or that preschooler phase. However, the old cliché “this too shall pass” is so very true.

So, instead of finding it discouraging that I was not the “successful, accomplished” adult woman I thought I wanted to grow up to be, I had morphed into something new. And I was inspired. Really, truly inspired. I conciously made the decision to be a mommy and still hold on to my feminist notions and afterall, I could be a mommy blogger too. I had all these hilarious coming-of-age “nothing happens” kind of stories floating around in my old journals, or happening in my daily life. I thought, perhaps, I could just share them and maybe people would actually read and enjoy them, just as I was reading and enjoying other women’s stories.

So, here we are! Over two years and 500+ posts later. It’s not what award winning stuff is made of, but I’ll take it.

After all those years of struggling with it, I’ve found an inner peace and a medium that works for me and I’m simply enjoying writing again. I’ve loved having this little virtual open mic to share my thoughts. Thank you so much for reading!

Finding My Ethical Balls

I am always a fan of strong women who lay it all out there. In the blog "Dear Adele", the mommy-dearest author is funny with her extreme sarcasm. Her March 9, 2009 post really hit home since I have always harbored nightmares about the damage I am causing my daughters by allowing them to play with Barbies. I may not be a perfect mother (never, ever have I claimed perfection!), but I figure I have to choose my battles. I can't always win the culture wars as I raise my daughters (and son). Laughing with the author at my need to grow "ethical balls" is somehow cleansing and grounding.

http://dearadele.wordpress.com/2009/03/09/adele-qa-barbie/

Happy International Women's Day!

Please join me in celebrating women! We, as women, should be celebrated and worshipped every day of the year. However, since that is not so much happening (at least not in my house), I propose we whoop it up in a huge way TODAY.

Go us! My dearest women friends, you totally and completely rock! I love all you do and appreciate your phenomenal-ness.

If you are unaware of the history of International Women's Day (IWD), here is a brief paragraph from the International Women's Day website:

International Women's Day has been observed since in the early 1900's. . . .

Annually on 8 March, thousands of events are held throughout the world to inspire women and celebrate achievements. A global web of rich and diverse local activity connects women from all around the world ranging from political rallies, business conferences, government activities and networking events through to local women's craft markets, theatric performances, fashion parades and more.

Many global corporations have also started to more actively support IWD by running their own internal events and through supporting external ones. For example, on 8 March search engine and media giant Google some years even changes its logo on its global search pages. Year on year IWD is certainly increasing in status. The United States even designates the whole month of March as 'Women's History Month'.

So make a difference, think globally and act locally! Make everyday International Women's Day. Do your bit to ensure that the future for girls is bright, equal, safe and rewarding.

* * * * *

In case you are interested in going to a FREE and awesomely informative event, please click on the link below for details about a March 14, 2009 event at the University of Minnesota.

http://www.mnadvocates.org/International_Women_s_Day6.html

For the Women In Your Life

I stumbled upon this accidentally. It is so important that you listen to this and remember the blessings of friends in your life!