Hair Clippers Mishap

I simply cannot explain what happened without crying.

Needless to say, the Little Man needs a professional barber,
who apparently is NOT ME!!!

Evolution

I don’t know how many of you ever read the 1955 Good Housekeeping’s Article on ‘The Good Wife’ rules?  I read it when I was younger. I remember making fun of it with friends in high school.  The other day I re-stumbled across it. "‘The Good Wife" article cracks me up!  Crazy how much we, as women, have evolved… or should I say, told "The Man of the House" ‘to sit down and shut up’. So I’ve decided to post the original ‘Good Wife Rules’ and then write my own!

1955 The Good Wife Suggestions – via article in Good Housekeeping (this would’ve had me canceling my subscription faster than i could dial the phone)

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
• Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

• Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables.
• Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will give you immense personal satisfaction.
• Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
• Be happy to see him.
• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
• Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other place of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
• Your goal: try to make your home a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
• Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
• Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Consider this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
• Arrange his pillows and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
• Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. you have no right to question him.
• A good wife always knows her place.

REALLY?  SERIOUSLY?  I've read this list before, but since I recently stumbled upon it again... and was flabbergasted all over again! All i can say is:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  AS IF!
So, if you will please allow me a moment to regain a minuscule amount of composure, I would like to attempt to make an updated version of this list -- a "2010 Good Wife Guide", if you will -- inspired by, but not copied from, 1955′s suggestions.

• Dinner? If Hubby is considerate enough to call you and tell you that he is on his way home, toss some chicken nuggets or fish sticks and tater tots on the Pizazz while mic-ing some frozen veggies. Or there is always the option of throwing frozen waffles in the toaster, cutting up a banana, and pouring some milk.  BAM! (as Emeril would say!) There you have three food groups in one. If he complains about it, there is always the real-love option of placing his plate full of food in the trash. 
• Prepare myself? Now this one really tickled me pink!  If I get a moments peace, he is lucky if I have showered.  Now, if I were to shave my legs... that would require him to worship me for quite a while.  He is counting his blessings when I have time to throw on deodorant, put my hair in a ponytail and wear clean clothes.  If he doesn't notice the shave legs -- well, HADES!  I'll have to resort to wearing granny panties, so he knows that until he helps around the house, there will be NO action. 
• "Be a little gay and interesting to liven up his day"?  Oh!  I plan to be interesting.  I plan to share all of the gorey details of my day.  I will entertain him with stories of having Little Man whack me upside the head with a ball that he intended to take off Princess' head with.  I'll explain that I am on laundry revolt until he fixes the damn machine.  I will regal him with tales of my heroism as I battled the blue hairs and other nut cakes at the grocery store with FOUR screaming kids in tow and still managed to only put one child in a head lock in a public place (KIDDING... kind of.)  I will tell him how many times I wiped so-and-so's butt and cleaned up cat puke.
• Dump all the garbage and dirty clothes HE left out the night before right into the chair he likes to sit in. "Why" you ask?! Well, because that’s what a good (i.e. bitchy) wife does. If he can’t pick it up as he should, he can deal with it when he’d like to sit down and relax. But make sure you do it with a smile!
• Scream at the kids to come get their crap and put it away for the UMPTEENTH time.  If the neighbors hear, oh well.
• Make sure the kids are at LEAST wearing clothes. As long as that’s done. Good enough!
• When he walks in, push all screaming children into his arms.  Instruct him that if anyone wants dinner before 8pm, he will handle them and happen to mention in passing that you loved some of his ‘things’ to his chair.
• Make sure you smile and wink while doing the above, because we all know a positive attitude cancels out the bitchiness… Right?!
• Listen to him talk about his ‘hard’ day at work. Then don’t respond AT ALL, just plow into the crappy day you’ve had at home. Go ahead and cry too. Let it all out. You deserve to be listened to too! Tell him what you blogged about. In minute detail. Explain what each child did that embarrassed the hades out of you. And them show him that rash you’ve been meaning to get looked at...
• If he comes home late, ask him for an explanation. Then explain WHY his stuff is out on the lawn and why you even considered changing the locks.  Remind him that for every one night out, you will be expecting a night out too.  Do not bother to ask when is okay. Just plan it. And remember, don’t get a babysitter… daddy knows how to watch his own children.

So...  That posting may have been a bit tongue-in-cheek, but you get the point.  Don't be a doormat to that man you may or may not live with.  You are a gorgeous, fabulous, brilliant, grand goddess who deserves to be treated as such.

ENJOY THE DAY!

Two Peas In A Pod

Little Princess and Little Man were sitting at the kitchen table eating an afternoon snack last week, when suddenly they decided that they weren't close enough. So Little Man got off his chair and pushed it closer to Princess. He kept pushing it until their chairs were touching and there was no wiggle room between.

Little Man (smiling proudly): "Princess! Now we are sitting RIGHT by each other AND we can still eat our snack!"

Princess: "Hey Buddy! Someday we won't get to eat right by each other any more. We might both live in our own houses."

Little Man: "Ohhh..."

I think my jaw dropped open in shock and I almost started sobbing. It was almost as if Little Princess decided to play a game with Little Man… “How many of Mommy's saddest thoughts can we say out loud?"

Me: "Princess! As adults, we can still have lunch with our brothers or sisters and I could even go sit next Auntie while eating if I wanted to."

Princess (totally unaffected): "Oh. Okay. Well then, you can eat at my house if you want, Little Man. We can eat ramen noodles always."

Me (Because I can't let anything go, E-V-E-R): "As a matter of fact, Princess, you and Little Man can live here forever, if you want. No one needs to get their own house. You can stay with Mommy and Daddy forever!" I smile triumphantly!

Yes, yes! I’m ashamed to admit that I really, truly said that out loud to my beautiful, independent wee ones.

Princess (looks at Little Man): "Okay, Mommy.” (short pause as she glances at Little Man) “But we will get our own houses, Buddy."

Ouch, ouch, ouch. Really?!?!?

Praise Jesus for independent and head-strong children.

Wonderful Life

Some days (or WEEKS) it is harder to manage a smile. This is one of those days in the middle of one of those weeks. So I resort to recycling other folks sarcasm.


1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

7. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

8. God must love stupid people. He made so many...

9. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

10. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

11. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

12. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Gently Tell Me the Truth

Last week on a gloriously cold morning as I was putting on jeans that all of the sudden felt too tight. (I have an excuse! It's getting to be THAT time of the month and HELLO! I'm bloated!) My Little Boo noticed me getting irritable.

She smiled the most angelic of smiles and said, "Mommy, no matter how big or small you are - you always have a big heart!"

I stopped dead in my tracks. At first I thought it was so sweet! I thought "I'm doing something right!"

Then a very different thought occured to me and I thought to myself, "Wait a minute... is my four-year daughter trying to be *gentle* in calling me fat!?"

Things that make you go Hmm...

Honesty

One of our daughters and our son recently stayed at my mother in laws house for the night. Grandma and Papa treated them to dinner at a restaurant.

The four of them were seated in a booth directly next to two men. My mother in law said that one of guys looked very disheveled, and the other had a beard down to his waist.

As much as my mother in law told my daughters not to stare, my four-year old daughter could not control herself. Finally, one of the men started to talk to my daughter.

And, because my mother in law knows my daughter's history, she quickly turned to the bearded man and said, "You probably shouldn't ask her any questions. She's very honest."

Nice. Real nice! Now we know where my husband, and most likely my daughter, learned how to be so subtle. For the record, I mean that in the nicest, sweetest possible way...

Trauma

Have you ever read something or watched a news clip and experienced that moment when the news made every single nerve ending in your entire body ache with wretched grief and utter despair?

Unfortunately (and fortunately) I am extremely susceptible to being deeply affected by the moods of those around me. This can include being unbearably sad and distressed at news of other peoples woes (even on behalf of people I don't know.) For this very reason, I do not watch the evening news, or television in general. It is full of awful stories that tear my heart up and I simply cannot bounce back from all of that horrendous news on a nightly basis.

I adore Loralee's Looney Tunes blog. She is the greatest. I love how emotionally raw and brave she is. She says things in an honest and unpretentious way and she doesn't apologize for it. I just read her blog post from September 2008 that shares some of the details of the death of her precious little baby boy, Matthew. Matthew died of SIDS in 2003.

*SIGH*

It is so gut wrenching that I was sobbing -- SOBBING!!!

I just ached with sadness and heartbreak for her. I, too, felt the shattering of her heart. The depth of her despair...

Around the time I was pregnant with E (my oldest child), or soon thereafter, someone very close to me got pregnant unexpectedly and after much agony decided to have an abortion. I remember pleading with my friend to keep the baby and allow me to adopt the baby if they didn't feel prepared to raise it. I don't even want to get into the whole Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate. It's a highly charged issue with the God-loving Christian, yet strong, crazy Feminist in me. In any case, I pleaded with her to keep the baby and she choose not to. I tried to support her and her decision as best I could, but I grieved for the lost life of the unborn baby. I am still haunted by occasional dreams of meeting that little person and wondering about the "What if's" if that little baby would have grown up.

I am beyond blessed that God has given me four beautiful, healthy children to adore, cherish, honor, worship. My biggest fear EVER is losing one of my children. I love God with all my heart and soul. I also love the children will all of my heart and soul.

It scares me silly to say this, but I do not know if I could ever forgive God if He called one of my children home to heaven. I realize this is a huge thing and an awful thing to even contemplate, but it is something I have lain awake in the middle of the night and worried about.

With my history of severe depression, I do not know if I would make it through the quick sand of endless grief if I lost a child. Even now at this moment, the mere thought of the possibility... I shudder and weep some more.

Tonight, after I am through reading Loralee's tragic, unexplainable experience, I pray for the mercy of my Heavenly Father and beg Him to never EVER put me to that test. I honestly don't know that I could live through it.

More importantly, I pray for the hope and eternal compassion of God for those who belong to the lonely, unbearable club of parents who have lost children. I pray Abba comforts these poor, tortured souls.

Lies About Parenting That Everyone Tells You

Sometimes I think anyone who decides to willingly have kids are naive fools. I mean, most people mean well, because the plus side is an amazing human (and in our case, four!) who are pretty darned cool. But seriously, let’s talk about all the crap and lies that no one ever mentions.

• That parenting gets easier. Really?! When is the easier part coming? My oldest is 8 and I don't see an "easy exit" on this freaking highway.
• Babies who are breastfed have unoffensive-smelling poop. I’m sorry, people, but poop is poop! And it all smells.
• Breastfeeding is easy. You are not serious. Although I really enjoyed the bonding experience of nursing, nothing about it was easy or natural. HA-RD! It was difficult to learn.
• Every day is better than the next. In some ways, yes. But childhood is not a progressive thing - it’s this dance that is kind of inefficient at times - you take two steps forward, three steps back, ten steps forward, two steps back. This is most evident in getting babies to sleep through the night. If they ever! Or a toddler to "use their ears" when in the middle of a tantrum.
• Two words:Developmental Milestones.
• Toddlers will stop throwing a tantrum if you ignore their behavior. This is one of the BIGGEST lies out there. Toddlers have the capacity to scream, uninterrupted for HOURS, and I do mean, HOURS!

How about you? What’s not in those blasted books that you never got around to finishing before you had the baby?

No White Lies Here

Today has been an awful day. As a matter of a fact, it has been a horrendous weekend. Thank God tomorrow is Monday and we get to go back to work. I am doing jumping jacks due to my high level of giddiness about NOT being with my husband or children.

I am the *worst* mother in the world for being so excited about not being here... but at least I am HONEST. Do I get any extra points for being honest?!