A Picture is Worth...

Question of the Day

You know how you stay up too late with your husband drinking "icky pop" (code: soda & rum) and then you wake up at 4:30am and can't go back to sleep, and four hours later you get in a mini-van with 4 children for a family field trip to the zoo in 90+ degree heat with humidity in the 90th percentile, and then you walk around for four hours in the sweltering, unforgiving heat, and you watch a grizzly bear regurgitate and re-eat it's lunch over and over again, and sometimes the grizzly bear even takes a moment to lick it's co-grizzly bears butt, and then you go to lunch and give thanks that you didn't pack bologna because the smell might just be the straw that breaks the camels back and forces you to hurl, and then a bug flies in your mouth, and on the ride home your three year old AND four year old fall fast sleep the entire way, which means they don't fall asleep until way-to-late-o'clock on a school night?

Yeah me too.

Nice. REAL NICE!

Circadian

Daylight Savings Time is just something I take for granted. I have never given it much thought -- except to praise the extra hour of sleep in the autumn and curse the lost hour of sleep each spring. However, I have recently become curious.

Why do we adhere to DST? Who decides that it is best for our bodies? Our productivity? Our Circadian sleep rhythms?

It appears there are crazy antedotes about things that happen because of DST.

In any case, please remember to set your clocks FORWARD an hour before you go to bed tonight. And think of me as my alarm clock reads 5:12am on Sunday morning -- but my body tells me it is only 4:12am as the children are jumping on my head.

UGH!!!

Sums It Up...

Too Much Info - You Have Been Warned

CHILD WARNING -- Do not proceed if your child can read.

There is just NO TIME for love in the morning! Not to mention... the need for "porno sex" (definition: NO KISSING) due to horrific morning breaths on both parties! UGH!

Sigh... it is sad when sleep takes precedence over sex. But it happens! And as a parent of several children, I am here to warn you that sleep will ALWAYS take precedence over sex to this mommy.

I remember when I first met Hubby a bazillion years ago. We could be spontaneous and carefree and... and... often. It was nice.

I miss those carefree days of getting naked at a moments notice and playing a little grab ass for hours on end. Sleep?! We didn't need no stinkin' sleep.

Okay. Er, well... let's be honest. Perhaps Hubby wasn't up to hours on end, even back in The Day -- but it was more than it is now from BOTH of us.

Several years and several kids later, things are just a tad different. Let me start by saying while my desire for Hubby has not waned [much - we are being honest, right?!], my energy level sure as hell has. Particularly shall we say in the morning. Let me say it LOUD so there is no mistaking.

I DO NOT LIKE SEX FIRST THING IN THE MORNING! I really don't get it. Yes, I know that most men are, shall we say "at attention" first thing in the morning. But surely, my finger-in-a-light-socket hairstyle and morning breath should fix that little problem.

What's that you say? I should get up and brush my teeth and fix my hair.

"What you say, Willis?!?"

What's the point?

By then I'm up and if I'm up, I need to be getting ready for work or start fixing breakfast, or begin tending to little ones. Mornings at my lovely estate do not lend themselves to quality lovemaking. And while a quickie every now and then is supposedly okay, I'm more about the quality loving.

When I question Hubby's rationale for waking me up at o'dark thirty for a little mattress mambo, I truly believe that somewhere in the depths of his mind, he thinks maybe I'll come around.

To which I say with utter defiance - As if! Not likely!

Try to catch me in the afternoon. Perhaps, catch me just before bed. Hell, wake me up in the middle of the night with a nice round of foreplay. At least then I'll know I can get a few more winks of beauty rest before I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to face the perils of each day.

So Hubby, my parting words to you are this, tread very lightly when it comes to morning lovin'. The next time I feel that familiar poke and/or the familiar boob grab while slurpin on my neck and the birds are simultaneously chirping -- don't be pissed if all you get in return is loud snoring or more likely, are met with the stinging of a king size pillow smack dab on the side of your cheek.

Don't say I didn't warn you...

If the birds are a chirpin', don't come a slurplin'!!!

Borrowed Material

As a parent who has children who refuse to sleep and are just plain ol' awful sleepers, I was thoroughly amused by this Daddy-Blogger's (Dorky Dad: Where testorerone and hope go to die) post about "The Child Wake-Up Theorem".

The Child Wake-Up Theorem

I need to talk about a serious problem that every parent faces. It's a problem that they don't tell you about in parenting books or in seminars or in the media. Nobody talks about it, because they know the moment they say something about it, you'll take a vow of celibacy to avoid having any children -- which, by the way, is the same reason nobody talks about potty training to would-be parents.

I'm talking about the fact that kids never, ever sleep in when you want them to.

This is the Child Wake-Up Theorem: The likelihood that a child sleeps in decreases the more that child's parents want them to sleep in.I had to wake both of my kids up this morning. They slept in because I didn't want them to. The Boy had a bus to catch, which provides me with a nice, stressful deadline, which is just what I need in the morning. (For those of you who do not know, I'm what one would call a "night person." And being a "night person" makes me "grumpy" in the mornings. Ergo, a deadline makes it worse.)

The Sequel was relatively easy to wake up. I just lift him from the bed and he is virtually helpless, especially when I'm an uncomfortable ride because I'm jogging from one room to the next trying to get everything done before I have to go to work.

The Boy is not so easy. When he decides it's time to sleep in, it frequently takes a series of pulleys and a team of big horses to extract him from bed. And you'd better make sure that the straps are on tight, because the skinny little thing will find a way out of them if you don't.

This never fails. When I need them to wake up, they sleep in. When I want them to sleep in, which is on most weekends, they insist on getting up as early as humanly possible, assuming they went to bed in the first place, so they can get their full day's worth of shouting and jumping and laughing and crying and leaping upon Dad's sensitive body parts.

I should be used to this by now, for I've had offspring for five years. But my body still expects to sleep in on weekends and on holidays and I feel cheated when I don't get to.

(By the way, I also feel cheated when I have to wear nice clothes to work on Friday, when we normally get to wear jeans; maybe I could just change whenever my dressy-uppy meeting is over ...)

So when The Boy or The Sequel wakes me up early on a weekend, he reduces me to a whimpering mass of humanity, a sad spectacle for anybody who holds fathers in high regard. I do what comes naturally -- I whine, I cover my head with the pillow, and I dive underneath the covers, all the while begging the kids to please, please, for the love of all that's right in the word go ... back ... to ... sleep.

But it never happens, and I'm afraid it never will. It's our curse, as parents, to this fate.

So maybe I should get to bed.

Sleepover AT Sister's Room

G always asks if she can have a sleepover AT her big sister's bedroom -- which is conveniently located in our house. Although, we usually say no to avoid fights with her other siblings, we finally said YES!

G & E were so very excited. G promptly started gathering everything she would need -- pajamas, blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, toys, books. . . G attempted to carry ALL of it upstairs in one load. It didn't work. E ended up following G through the house and picking up everything she was dropping.

It took them a while, but they finally got themselves all set up in E's room.

It went well until the lights were turned out. G was downstairs in her own bed in under three minutes. That cute little girl just can't stand sleeping anywhere but her own bed -- or mine.

Prayer

Parent Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay her down to sleep,
I pray she will not make a peep,
But close her eyes and rest her head,
And, just this once, remain in bed.

But if, instead, she stays awake,
I pray thee, Lord, my head not ache;
And when I hear a pitter-patter,
Lord, help me not to be mad at her.

Amen


~ borrowed from a friends scrapbook

Sleep Deprived

For the record, you know that you are really tired and sleep-deprived when you go to the bathroom mid-morning and realize, you put your underwear on INSIDE OUT that morning, while you were cross eyed and stumbled about trying to pretend to be coherent.

Nice. Real nice!

Judgemental

I think I know what hades may be like... It's like having insomnia and only being able to watch reality TV.

Okay - I'm sure hades will be much worse than that.

A few weeks ago my insomnia was acting up so I started channel surfing. Not a good plan, (sigh) but that's what I did and I ended up watching The Real Housewives of Orange County. It was hellish ... if not hell itself.

Anyone ever see this?

Who the halibut are these people and why on God’s green earth would they put their lives on a TV show? Especially their children's lives?! It was an absolutely horrid show. I decided right then and there that this is what happens to people with insomnia -- they end up watching garbage in the middle of the night. That's when I decided no more insomnia for me.

Err .... Ummm. Yeah.

So my insomnia returned again this week and I found myself channel surfing ... and I watched it again! Damn it! I'm sure my subconscious is either playing tricks with me or is a closet voyeur. Yes - I get the psychology behind that statement. Shut up.

I'm an idiot, I know.

But these women on the show are awful! Just awful!

I judge, I know.

All the women are pretty much the same. It's all about their looks, long legs, big boobs, using men for their money. Awful stuff! I'm so far from that type of woman I don't even recognize them as the same species.

It's surprising to me that these women then watch the show and don't see anything wrong with themselves or their lives. It's shocking! And no! I'm not jealous of these women - I suppose if I wanted to be like that I could (all short legged, five foot nothing, red haired, lumpy body me) but why would I want to be like that? Their behavior and attitudes are hideous! So shallow. And seriously, what will become of their offspring?!

Anyway, that's it. I'm not watching again. I hope. No really, I'm not. Well, I probably won't. I mean if I wake up and can't get back to sleep or something maybe I'll turn the TV on. But no! That's it. No more. I'm serious!

Pulling The Cart

Holy canned creamed corn dogs do I hate winter. (Well, doesn't that just sound like a hot mess of something you don't want anything to do with?) Really, I try to be optimistic about it... BUT it is always at the end of this shortest month that I begin to feel itchy in my skin -- cabin fever!

While the days are shorter than the summer says I am craving they still feel endlessly long and tiring. My brain ceases to function and I'm always moody. My family suffers due to my attitude as does my soul (Isn't that dramatic?). I lose motivation and all I want to do is curl up on the couch and read a good book. In a sense I just want to hibernate.

I want to be outside but when I get out there I want to flee back into the warm, ice-free indoors. My attitude is much like a light switch being flicked on and off, continuously creating your own personal strobe light effect. Wheee!!! Isn't this fun. Um.. no, not so much.

Yesterday, I felt in control of things. I got things accomplished and felt rested.

Today? Not so much. I awoke this morning feeling night of the living dead tired. An industrial-sized bottle of children's chewable vitamins being shaken in my face. G's newest obsession. The girl is healthy, I'll give her that. I had been up no less than three times last night and I felt like I was back in some sort of sorority pledge hazing ritual.

I find myself day dreaming about long hours of uninterrupted sleep, warmer days and actually having the motivation to herd us all out into the yard to run off energy (obviously their energy, not mine.) I hate the way I feel right now and yet without the key component of a GOOD NIGHTS SLEEP I don't feel as if I'm ever going to get better. Sleep is a carrot. I'm the dumb ass who is pulling the cart. I'm constantly walking ahead trying to grab that juicy carrot and take a big bite.
I pray I get to take a big bite soon!

Darling

As I was searching thru my pictures, it was brought to my attention that I have lots of pics of the children sleeping. I guess that is true... They are definitely the sweetest and cutest when they are sleeping. So peaceful and QUIET. Besides since they never EVER let me sleep, I figure I have to capture a picture of someone resting.
In case you can't tell, I am excessively sleep deprived (going on several days now) and it is positively just about putting me in an early grave. And let's not mince words -- I am CRABBY. My precious two year old said it perfectly this morning when he turned to me and said , "Mommy a crab apple now!"

Blurry Eyes

Breaking news! Scientists have proven that most mothers do not get enough sleep. Hello... is this news to any of you mothers out there? Proving that any parent, specifically moms, do not get enough sleep is similar to proving that men dislike having their testicles kicked repeatedly with a steel-toed boot. And to make matters worse -- the article stated that 46% of the women surveyed felt they are getting enough sleep. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?!

Each night I get between 5 to 6 hours of excessively interrupted sleep. I was not naive enough to believe I was alone in my sleep deprivation, however, now it turns out that almost half of those psychotic women surveyed are saying that 4-6 hours is "enough" sleep, as well as some odd women (who must be lying?!) actually claim to get a full 8 hours of sleep each night...

I am in denial that there are real people out there getting real sleep. I'm so tired and grumpy and plain ol' unstable right now. I just want to crawl under my kitchen table and sleep for a week or perhaps just laugh hysterically while tossing Cheerios at the cat in an effort to amuse myself into staying awake.

Talk to me, people! Exactly how much sleep are you getting? Is it enough? How long until I go completely mad from lack of sleep?

Cuteness Expires Between the Hours of 10pm and 6am

I adore my children. I truly do. They are the light of my life. Each and every one in their own special way. So very beautiful and captivating and exceptional and treasured and priceless.

However, occasionally I forget how precious they are. For example, between the hours of 10pm and 6am... or this morning when D woke up around 5:00am and stared me down while throwing his head back screaming his darling head off as I squinted my eyes and pretended to still be asleep... or last night when G woke up around 2:19am shrieking that she wanted more water in her sippy -- when it was already full... or right now as I watch G dump a cupful of approximately 536 coins all over the kitchen floor and begin to giggle as D hangs precariously from the edge of the kitchen table, trying to defy gravity with his tiny hands clinging to the tabletop, his legs swing wildly with only his little belly pressed against the table in an effort to suction cup himself to the table (moments ago G pulled the chair out from under D's feet.)

Such is the life of an overly tired mom. Yet, I wouldn't change it for the world and I know these days will pass. All too soon their little pitter-pattering feet will turn into sulky, clod-hopping, teenage feet and I will long for the sleepless nights of now.