Monday, January 3, 2011

Inconvenient Truths

I may have mentioned, once or twice, that I have a habit of talking to myself. I'm not really picky about when or where I do this. If I have something to say to myself, I generally just say it.

For some odd reason, I was especially chatty with myself yesterday.  As I caught myself having a particularly riveting conversation with myself, I realized that although I should be ashamed and embarrassed, I wasn’t.  Instead it made me realize two inconvenient truths:

1. there is such a thing as cabin fever and
2. I may be a bit of a loser.

"I can't believe I'm finally out of the house. 
I hadn't left the house in over four days. 
I wonder if that makes me a hermit?

... Hey!  Buddy!  You planning on stepping on the gas?  Gas pedal is on the right.  Hello?!?!? This light isn't getting any greener...

For pity sake!  What is his problem? Maybe he's unconscious? 
Buddy, go! Don't make me honk my horn! 
What in the hades is he doing in there? 
I can't even see his flipping head. Is there even somebody in that stupid vehicle? ...

Oh!  Good!  There he goes. Good for you, Buddy!  Your foot does reach the gas pedal!  Congrats. Alright, I'm just gonna pass this guy...

Hi Mister!... Hee-hee!  They hate it when I wave at them as I'm passing...

...I know I shouldn't keep looking at myself in the rear view mirror, but I can't believe how pretty I look today. I’ve been hiding in the house for several days and I didn’t bother with make-up. 

Oh, you've got to be kidding me! That's the guy from the green light again. Why would you speed up to pass me if you're just going to slow down right in front of me? Is that a crack pipe you're smoking? Is that your problem?  Hardly, since it appears you’re like 200 years old? You can't even see above the steering wheel.

Buddy, drive it like you own it! That's it...that's it....a little faster so those joggers on the side of the road aren't running faster than we're rolling.

AHHHHHHHH! Are you eff-ing kidding me?
Ok, I'm passing you again, Mister!  And this time I'm not going to wave. Look at me, Mister. I'm not waving. I will not wave!"

"Mom!" yells Big E from the backseat. "I hate to disturb your conversation with that decrepit old man, but can you not talk to yourself when we pick up my friend. Thanks."


Inconvenient truths. 

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