Friday, June 17, 2011

Hilarious Circumc.... Story

Do not let children old enough to read be near you unless you want to face
several uncomfortable questions that you may not be ready to answer...

All Fooked Up

So on Wednesday I posted about joining the Time Travel Tuesdays blog hop and I came across the absolutely most hilarious post ever at All Fooked Up from January 2011. I so wish I could have the courage to be so candid with my mom-in-law. Holy Funny, Batman! Hop over to Lynn's blog, All Fooked Up and read the "recycled" post about circumcision.


Today I’m going to discuss circumcisions. Specifically my views on circumcision and a conversation I had regarding such views. Now, this conversation took place quite some time ago so I’m going to try to tell the story without actually offending the people in the story. I’m not too concerned about offending you, the readers, because a) I don’t know you and b) even if I do know you I don’t care and 3) it’s my blog and I can damn well discuss what I like because d) you can stop reading this whenever you want. But you won’t because this story is HILARIOUS.

So, about 20 some odd years ago when Kevin and I had just gotten married but BEFORE we had kids, we were having a conversation with Kevin’s parents and the conversation turned to circumcision. Someone, who shall not be named (that sounds like Voldemort doesn’t it….”He Who Shall Not Be Named”), had a little boy and the parents had decided that the child shouldn’t be circumcised and the following conversation took place:

Key: Me (that’s me). MIL (that’s my mother-in-law). BOY (boy infant in question)

MIL: “They (the parent’s) have decided not to circumcise BOY”

Me: “They need to circumcise him”

MIL: “No Lynn, they’ve done a lot of research and they’ve decided not to”

Me: “He definitely needs to be circumcised!”

(Kevin is starting to look concerned as he watches the typical verbal tennis match between his mother and I – we argue about everything. Kevin’s dad is quietly listening but not commenting)

MIL: “Things have changed Lynn. There is a lot of medical research now that says that circumcision isn’t necessary”

Me: “I’m telling you. It is necessary. The kid needs to be circumcised”

(Now Kevin’s dad is starting to squirm around. His face is going redder … and redder … Kevin is starting to get uncomfortable and is looking at me concerned)

MIL: “I’m not sure that you’re aware of all the new research Lynn”

Me: “The hell with the research. He needs to be circumcised”

MIL: (Starting to get visibly upset…agitated even) “Why? Why do you keep saying that Lynn?”

Me: “It’s just really important”


Me: “Why MIL? I’ll tell you why!”

(OK, Kevin’s starting to panic. I can see his face going white. You never know what’s going to come out of my mouth at this point and I was in my 20’s without the incredible self-control that I now exhibit)

Me: “are you sure you want to know?”

(Kevin is really scared and his dad is beginning to turn purple…)

Me: “Because Allison” (wait for it … wait for it!) “… if he doesn’t get circumcised there’s no way that kid is EVER going to get a BLOWJOB!!!”

OMG! All hell broke loose! Kevin’s dad started choking from laughing so hard. His face was a shade of purple that I have never seen on a human being before. Kevin was as white as a sheet that I had just said that to his parents and Kevin’s mom was in a catatonic state of shock. This was definitely not what she thought I was going to say. But seriously, that’s a pretty god damn compelling reason. I mean gals out there, right? No one wants a penis with a hoodie, do they? I know I don’t, or I didn’t back then. And I haven’t been around but one in the last 25 years or so and there sure as hell was no Hoodie on that one. I made SURE that Daniel’s hoodie was taken care of right at the get go.

So yeah, that conversation was priceless. I’m not sure his mother ever recovered and the BOY in question never got a circumcision but I stand strong in my opinion. I’ve never had a run in with a guy with a hoodie and I really can’t say whether the kid ever got a blowjob but I was just doing my part, watching out for the welfare of a minor. Do you agree? Or disagree? I really don’t care…I was just asking.

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