Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Irrational Fear

Apparently I am full of irrational fears.

It's amusing how once you birth children, the world becomes an amazingly dangerous place. Suddenly your child-less friend's living room is like a mine-field -- all those pointy, sharp corners on the coffee table; the fragile, glass knick-knacks that glitter and beckon to your wee one; the jagged stone fireplace base that screams stitches required for all forehead trippers; the tiny, precious bric-a-brac that would lodge perfectly in your child's throat if they are allowed to get it into their drooly mouth; the ever present flat screen TV that threatens to smoosh your wee one into nothing-nesss.  Well, today's story is nothing about those fears.

It's about something that is so much more realistic and likely to happen... an evil arachnid eating your face off as you innocently relieve yourself in the lavatory.


Over the weekend, I went to sit down on our throne to simply pee. As I pulled my pants down and my dimply cheeks hit the toilet seat, I glanced to my immediate left at the bathroom vanity where the toilet paper dispenser thingy is. To my absolute horror, I saw THIS SPIDER.

The Evil Beast was sitting on top of the toilet paper preparing to launch itself at my poor, unsuspecting self -- and at one of my most vulnerable moments! I had my pants around my ankles.  I promise you, if I hadn't already been sitting on the porcelain throne, I would have wet myself right then and there!!!  I could tell The Spider was contemplating which part of my face was the most tasty, trying to decide if he should first go for my plump cheeks, or the whites of my eyeballs...  I was so frightened that I almost forgot how to scream. 

Mind you, I said ALMOST!

I let out an impressive blood-curdling scream that was truly worthy of a teeny-bopper meeting her end in a slasher horror flick.

I heard a stampede of tiny feet flinging their bodies towards the bathroom door to see what all the hullabaloo was about.  Little Man was the first to arrive.

While I pointed in terror at The Spider still happily occupying the top of the toilet paper roll, Little Man took one look and said, "Eww!" and then ran for the safety of my bedroom.

Diva was next to arrive on the scene.  She quickly spotted the intruder and shrieked, "Ann! Quick! Grab your pants!"  I was still so panic stricken that I had not moved a millimeter.

Little Princess barrels into the bathroom.  When she sees what we are all freaking about, she heaves a huge sigh, rolls her eyes and says, "Oh please! It's just a a tiny spider." With a quick flick of her wrist, she launches The Spider off the top of the toilet paper and throw the air AT ME!!!!!!!!

Insert another mind-blowing scream! Along with every limb I own flaying wildly around me.  My hair is flinging round my head, my arms and legs are doing the crappie flop as if I have been electrocuted or stung by a thousand bumble bees at once!!!

I don't need to share the rest of the story that may, or may not, include tripping myself with pants around my ankles, undies flying one direction and an even more undignified fall head first into the safety of the hallway. it will suffice to say -- It wasn't pretty.

But I am happy to report that I escaped The Spider unscathed. However, the sad news is, The Spider is still at large in my home!

Oh and for the record, apparently, Little Princess (age 5) says The Spider was only THIS BIG:

I ask you, my dear bloggy friends,
who are you going to believe?

The five-year old or ME?!?


Totally Mental Mommy said...

I'm sorry to do this, but... Bwahahahaha! I am the Designated Bug Killer in my house. You can tell the Little Princess that I think she's totally awesome!

Annie said...

I love that Little Princess will go to bat for me and that despite her pink, glitter, and frilly love, she will still play with snakes, dig up worms and even gross me out by pretending to eat the random ant.

May said...

You had me hook, line and sinker with that middle picture! I was thinking you had to have captured it and were releasing it outdoors (because of the rock) when you snapped a pic for posterity!
So funny! I was sharing your horror right up to the "surprise" ending!
Consider me punked!

M.J. Putnik said...

I absolutely loved this post. But, I HATE spiders...In fact, I would have pooped (forget the pee)when that sucker came flying at me. I don't care how big a spider is...they all need to be squashed! End of potty story. Come visit me...dropping in from the Red Dress Link Up.

The Schweitzers said...

I hate spiders as well. Love how this was written. I have two boys who fight over who gets to squish the spider and then look at its guts. Even though I hate them, I feel bad about killing them, unless I need that toilet paper.

Annie said...

I try to tell myself that I feel bad about killing the "helpless" eight-legged creatures, but honestly I can't manage the guilt. Too full of terror. PLUS my motto is -- if you have more than 2 legs and you cross my door step uninvited, you are toast and going to die!

Anastasia said...

That is not an irrational fear. That is terrifying.

{Stephanie}The Drama Mama said...

ick. I hate those little black spiders too. They are abundant in my house as well. I won't even begin to tell you about the GIANT spider hanging around above my kitchen cabinets. I'm talking tarantula size, big white spot on its back, and when squished? Thick mucusy pus. It's totally gross. I promise.

Stopping in from TRDC and The Scoop on Poop, and also to remind you that this week is YOUR WEEK. ;)