Saturday, May 9, 2009


I wasn't too enthusiastic about Facebook initially. In fact, I can't even remember the impetus that made me sign up for Facebook, but at some point I caved because everyone else I knew was doing it, and so I did it .... and what do you know?

I really liked it.

I enjoyed connecting with old friends, and having old friends connect with me. Most of all, I appreciated the quick, convenient method of staying connected via status updates.

Unfortunately, just like leg warmers, the Jennifer Aniston "Friends" haircut, and the premature cancellation of "Studio 60", all good things must come to an end. And the Facebook status update page, which I LOVED for staying connected, was ... well... updated.

And it sucks.

First, I lost the page that had the quick, one-line updates for my "friends".

Because I don't just see *my* friends status updates, I also see every comment that every one of *their* friends (most of whom are people I do not know) makes on those updates. And if one of those people updates two or three times in one day, I see ALL of those. And seriously, who has time to sit around and continually update their Facebook status all day? Then I learned that basically, that's the same thing as Twittering, and so apparently TONS of people have time because isn't Twitter the newest, hottest, most-happening rage of this century?

I put my foot down there! I refuse to Twitter because for pete's sake, I can barely keep up with my laundry as it is and do I really need another thing to do on the computer??? Besides everyone else was basically Twittering on Facebook, right?! You know what? It was ok.

Then I quickly discovered that on Facebook, not only do I get every status update that every person cares to send, but I also get a notification of every web link or YouTube link or personal video or photo or sets of photos that a person puts on their page.

And you know what? It was still ok. Because these people are my FRIENDS. And shouldn't I be remotely interested in seeing pictures of their families? And their friends? And their pets? Or any other thing they care to share via Facebook? Of course I should. They are my FRIENDS, and I CARE.

But do you want to know what I do NOT care about? What I, in fact, couldn't care LESS about???

Every single stupid freaking quiz and application, and the results of those stupid freaking quizzes and applications, that every single person on the planet has time to take. And then their friends comments about those stupid quizzes and applications.

A while ago I started keeping track. It's been four days and I've had to "hide" the following quizzes so they quit showing up:

1. So-and-so sent someone a drink!
2. So-and-so sent someone flowers!
3. So-and-so sent someone a muppet gift! (wtf?)
4. What was so-and-so's profession in a past life? (here's a hint: I don't care)
5. Which Little House character is so-and-so? (still not caring)
6. So-and-so got their fortune told! (are you sensing the not-really-caring pattern here?)
7. Which Hollywood actress is so-and-so?
8. So-and-so took the Sunday School song trivia quiz!
9. So-and-so took the 80's movie quiz!
10. Which kind of mom is so-and-so?
11. What Bible verse fits you best?
12. Are you a true Minnesotan?
13. So-and-so took the Prayer-in-School poll!
14. What classic photographic emulsion are you?
15. Where in the US should you live?
16. What fruit of the spirit are you?
17. So-and-so took a personality test!
18. How many kids will you have?!
19. What is your old lady name?
and best of all ....

20. So-and-so sent someone Snoopy's Friendly Flowers!

Are you kidding me?!?!?!?


Here's the thing -- taking those tests and quizzes can be fun. I've taken a few, and every now and then, a few minutes of mindless entertainment ... sure, knock yourself out. (Although the "friends" I have who are taking them all day long confuse me, because honestly, you would think people would have something better to do with their time than sit around taking Facebook quizzes all day. I don't know -- maybe work in a soup kitchen or read to the blind or walk dogs at the local animal shelter or ANYTHING for God's sake that is more productive than these stupid freaking tests...)

But I digress.

My point: Facebook, I have no problems with your tests, and other people's choice to take them. I *DO* have a problem with the fact I have to "hide" every single test to keep it from showing up on my status update page again. And that for every test I "hide", five different tests show up.

So to the dear people in charge at Facebook -- If people want to time-suck their life away finding out what their porn star name is, or which My Little Pony gift would make them the happiest, or which Facts of Life character they are, or which effing SMURF they most resemble... fine! More power to them. But for the love of all that is holy, bring back the old status update page so I don't have to look at it, okay?

Until then, Facebook, you're on notice.

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