Thursday, September 9, 2010

Beyond Repair

My heart is utterly broken and possibly beyond repair.

A dearest friend committed suicide yesterday morning. Her impossibly innocent and sweet 9-year old daughter found her dead, as well as her six year old son. She leaves behind a husband, 9 year old daughter and 6-year old son.

I'm haunted by the fact that she told me less than two weeks ago, "Ann! I am you! You are me! Please get help. Don't stay in your depression. You can get better. Do it for your kids. GET HELP."


Do NOT tell me to "do it for my kids" if you are going to take yourself out a week or two later. I'm so angry and sad and disappointed and guilty and FUCKING PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am heart-broken and want more than anything in this world, I want to have just have a few more moments with KF to hug her and tell her that LIFE IS WORTH LIVING.

And on the other hand, I feel like I want to go drink too much and take a tons of pills too. I get the crazy, DUAL, simultaneously thinking that depressed people think -- such as, "you are not enough as a human being so the world would be better without you" AND the sane person thinking who says, "Nothing is that bad in the morning -- hold on until morning."

I am aware that this post doesn't make sense, but I can't help myself.

I am heart broken and sad and devastated and trying to be strong for everyone else -- but what I really want to do is curl up and cry for the next several months. Please pray for my friend and her family.

We all need it.


zxxkimxxz said...

It makes perfect sense to me. I've never had a friend kill themselves but I've had plenty plan it out and tell me they were going to... including myself. I can't imagine the pain you or her family is going through but I will be praying for all of you. Things will always get better eventually.

Suburban Correspondent said...

I am so sorry to read this. God bless you and God bless those children. Your friend must have been in a lot of pain. Mental illness is hell, for both the sufferer and for his/her family. Believe me, I know!

Rachel said...

I am so, so very sorry.

I don't know what to say except that I wish I could give you a hug around the neck.