Monday, December 28, 2009

Too Much Info - You Have Been Warned

CHILD WARNING -- Do not proceed if your child can read.

There is just NO TIME for love in the morning! Not to mention... the need for "porno sex" (definition: NO KISSING) due to horrific morning breaths on both parties! UGH!

Sigh... it is sad when sleep takes precedence over sex. But it happens! And as a parent of several children, I am here to warn you that sleep will ALWAYS take precedence over sex to this mommy.

I remember when I first met Hubby a bazillion years ago. We could be spontaneous and carefree and... and... often. It was nice.

I miss those carefree days of getting naked at a moments notice and playing a little grab ass for hours on end. Sleep?! We didn't need no stinkin' sleep.

Okay. Er, well... let's be honest. Perhaps Hubby wasn't up to hours on end, even back in The Day -- but it was more than it is now from BOTH of us.

Several years and several kids later, things are just a tad different. Let me start by saying while my desire for Hubby has not waned [much - we are being honest, right?!], my energy level sure as hell has. Particularly shall we say in the morning. Let me say it LOUD so there is no mistaking.

I DO NOT LIKE SEX FIRST THING IN THE MORNING! I really don't get it. Yes, I know that most men are, shall we say "at attention" first thing in the morning. But surely, my finger-in-a-light-socket hairstyle and morning breath should fix that little problem.

What's that you say? I should get up and brush my teeth and fix my hair.

"What you say, Willis?!?"

What's the point?

By then I'm up and if I'm up, I need to be getting ready for work or start fixing breakfast, or begin tending to little ones. Mornings at my lovely estate do not lend themselves to quality lovemaking. And while a quickie every now and then is supposedly okay, I'm more about the quality loving.

When I question Hubby's rationale for waking me up at o'dark thirty for a little mattress mambo, I truly believe that somewhere in the depths of his mind, he thinks maybe I'll come around.

To which I say with utter defiance - As if! Not likely!

Try to catch me in the afternoon. Perhaps, catch me just before bed. Hell, wake me up in the middle of the night with a nice round of foreplay. At least then I'll know I can get a few more winks of beauty rest before I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to face the perils of each day.

So Hubby, my parting words to you are this, tread very lightly when it comes to morning lovin'. The next time I feel that familiar poke and/or the familiar boob grab while slurpin on my neck and the birds are simultaneously chirping -- don't be pissed if all you get in return is loud snoring or more likely, are met with the stinging of a king size pillow smack dab on the side of your cheek.

Don't say I didn't warn you...

If the birds are a chirpin', don't come a slurplin'!!!

No comments: