Wish I Knew BEFORE

Deep down, I think we all could have used some practical guidance on the following items BEFORE we bred:

Parenting ages you at a rate once ONLY reserved for US Presidents.

Did you every notice how fast the President ages over a four year term? Did you ever stop and look at your old DMV photo? Ya know, when your license expires and the new picture needs to be taken? Eight years ago I looked like this! A young Lucille Ball...

Now?! Now, I look more like a really tired Carrot Top. God Help Us ALL!

Knowing this in advance would have enabled me to stockpile face creams, massages... maybe a vial or ten of botox.

Washable red markers are, alas, not fully washable.

Just as new red t-shirts wreak laundry havoc and Hawaiian Punch will ruin any garment, the red markers will stay with you. My advice to you: Completely remove them IMMEDIATELY from all Crayola marker boxes. Lose them, toss them, crush them, shred them... whatever it takes.

Your parents really did live to embarrass you.

How do I know this is true? Because, some days, I DO live to make Big E squirm into a pre-teen sweat. That's okay... treat me like a jerk in front of your friends just because you think it's cool, but I assure you, every boy you date will learn that I called you "Chick-a-biddy" and "Precious." Your 10th grade friends will be tipped off that you still loved to run around the house naked as a jaybird at age seven. So, seriously?! Don't push me, Chick-a-biddy!

Kids smell.

Really, they do. They start out with that powdery baby smell and any stray odors are blamed on the diapers. This propaganda is only doled out so that you will bond with them. And then when you realize that those wee ones smell, they over-compensate with toxic fumes for tweens through Avon. Had the wee ones smelled at 6 months and 2, the way my laundry does now, I would have gagged and done a serious re-think.

And lastly... You will suck as a mom, and THAT IS OKAY.

Whenever I come clean on some massive parenting fail point, I am always amazed and so very grateful for all of your kind responses. I'm assured (okay, sometimes astounded) by the volume of equally bad flashes of judgment confessed by y'all. It does my heart good to know we all suck at this at times, and that life goes on.